Torment Trifecta: Tears, Terror, Turning point

This was the first time I was considering quitting Ironteam. The idea of going out and riding in the blustery rain, on the beautiful CLIFFS of Malaga Cove, for 40 miles was just about enough to send me over the edge. I was so scared of what could happen, anytime I told friends the rest of my weekend plans, I finished with the line "It's worth trying to survive Saturday for." If it weren't for the fact that I promised the babysitter that I wouldn't cancel (after wimping out on another Rainy Saturday), and knowing that biking is my worst sport in this Triathlon, I'd have called it a day. But when I got to the cove and they said, "The hills you'll encounter on this ride are very similar to the ones 2 weeks ago [You've got to be kidding me!] only longer [instantly burst into tears]!" Because I'm an irongirl now, I didn't actually burst into tears, but my eyes definitely became wet and threatened to spill over. Dang, why didn't I put on my sunglasses before the big talk?!

I looked across the sunny parking lot looking for an escape - maybe if I was lucky my bike would get stolen and I could quit right on the spot - but then looked back at the group I was standing in and when I realized that many of them were in the same emotional puddle that I was. My emotional humiliation would hurt worse than these hills would.

We started out on the familiar route which felt great - only backwards from the direction I was used to. It was fantastic seeing people from my Marathon team days along the route and we exchanged "Go Teams!" which gave me a boost! The rolling hills are beautiful along this route, and being in a large group, the cars were steering clear of us. We started our first small ascent near the golf course, passing through some random freezing cold patches (ghosts of previous Ironteam cyclists?!) and at the top, entered horse country. I had no idea how we were going to cover 20+ miles for our first loop and stay on Palos Verdes Dr. the whole time (just the East, South, whatever routes of the same street) because this was waaaay farther than we ever ran on that road. I was also in denial that we'd see such crazy hills because I had never encountered such hills while running. Perhaps (my denial preached to me), the coaches were lying and the hills weren't that bad.

A lot of the next 15+ miles were a blur, just riding along, trying to obey traffic laws, and enjoy the scenery. Then we got into a neighborhood and the ascent started. I put my bike into granny gear, which I believe one person said is not the best idea, but at this point, I'd do whatever it took to get to the top of this hill without stopping, crying, or falling, and work on fixing it later once I conquer one hill!

I settled in on a pace that was steady, comfortable, and only focused on the 10 feet right in front of me. Once I got to the horizon, I glanced at the next horizon, and the next, and the next, but returned my focus to just 10 feet in front of me. During the tough parts I kept chanting "Auntie Carole, Auntie Carole" who was a loved one to a friend of mine, who was recently lost to cancer. Her memorial was on this beautiful day, and I know she helped get me up those hills.

I'm fortunate, too, that fellow Irongirl Tracy and I have a comparable pace, so we encouraged each other up the never-ending hill. At one point, she took a little break and I told her I'd stop at the top of the hill. After that hill turned into the next, and the next, and still the next (really it was THAT big), I felt bad that I wasn't stopping, but I was on a roll, and stuck on making it to the top without stopping, surprised that I wasn't feeling bad, so I didn't want to interrupt that groove.

When I got to Crest Drive I prayed that this was the top of the hill and celebrated for a second before the challenge switched gears as we started

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down the back side of the hill! I am a bit scared of heights, and at the drop off point it was confirmed - I was at the crest of a very big mountain. I caught a glimpse of about 3 switchbacks below me, took in the view of the Harbor and knew that if I didn't pay attention, I'd be flying on the bike off the cliffs straight toward Catalina! I alternated between free-falling terror braking, seriously thinking I was going to slide off my bike towards my handle bars, and sheer exhilaration of the blue sky downhill thinking I'd better not smile any wider because my lips will dry out and bugs will crack my teeth upon impact. A Tracy blur flew past me at one point, and I did try to smile for the random photographer out on the hill because I'm determined to get one good picture of me on the bike not looking dazed or confused.

After that the terrain went back to primarily rolling hills. As my mind and body settled into a new groove, a few random thoughts flew in one ear and out the other: I didn't know THAT part of my body would hurt more than my legs; I need to learn to train with my mouth shut - although the coaches said if we're lucky we might catch a fish during our swim which is great fuel; I don't know if I can make it around the whole course for a 2nd round - ironically due to how tired my arms got on the downhill, not my legs; I can't believe there are so many dang Bruins riding out here at Malaga - note to self, get a USC riding jersey; what a beautiful day; I'm wearing funky thigh-high leg warmers; I've never been happier than this moment to see the lighthouse!

As I entered the driveway (victorious!) to meet the group, the sharp turn/ascent stopped me dead in my tracks and I almost didn't unclip in time, but I did! I walked the bike up and my celebration ended as we were again practicing changing tires. The goal here is to change the tire quickly and get back out on the course. I won't lie, I took some time with this, the bike helped, then peeled off my leg warmers, hit the girls' room. I was telling myself that I'd better hurry myself up because I had like four people in four places counting on me that day to be home on time, but I wasn't that eager to do the full 2nd loop. I asked the support (awesome volunteers) staff if there was a shorter route but the answer I got was "I got lost last time I did that and wound up hitting major hills!" Ack!

When I finally got to the mental realization where I settled on the fact that I'd be riding 40 miles, the coaches said "Y'all are doing a different course for the 2nd loop..." and a big sigh of relief was heard (or was it my deflating tire?).

We did another 10 miles on the bike to get us to 31+ miles and called it a day, on time, and in a GREAT MOOD! I had a great bike ride! I didn't fall, I didn't die going up or down the hills, I survived, I was still walking well, I had feeling back in all the numb parts (they happen anywhere!), and now I had a beautiful sunny day to enjoy after a week of relentless rain!

I packed a lot into Saturday, covered many more miles in my car, got to catch up with a bunch of friends, and got home and ordered pizza with the kids to celebrate a full but fruitful day. At 9:30pm, my switch flipped and I was going downhill so fast that I actually turned out the lights before my kids did because they weren't brushing their teeth fast enough.

What a difference 11.5 hours of sleep makes! The next day, as the fun of the Pinewood Derby wound down, I was trying to convince the kids to go for a bike ride. I shared my own cycling psychosis with my daughter who is going through her own struggles learning how to ride her bike! I told her how scared I was on Saturday but that I did it anyway and I felt so happy afterwards that I did! She said "Well you're bigger!" and I said yes, but that means I have farther to fall, and my feel are locked to the bike, I can't fly off and try to land standing. Myself and Menchie's (frozen yogurt) convinced her to give it a try. The goal was to have them ride while I run a steady 90 min. or more.

The run turned into fartleks - Run trying to keep up with the kids, slow down to push them through the sand-choked bikepath, stop and pick up Lauren, brush her off, kiss boo boos and REPEAT! Lauren fell way more than I ever did in one run and she kept getting back on, with a little persuasion.

As I tucked the tuckered out kids into bed, Carson told me that one reason he liked me for his mom was that I didn't used to be a runner, but then I became one and ran 2 marathons, and now I'm trying a Half-Ironman Triathlon! I said why is that, and he said because it makes him want to try big things! I told him it's true, no matter how crazy your dream is, you can accomplish it! His goal is to be the first man on Jupiter, but that because it's a gaseous planet he'll have to invent special shoes first so he doesn't just fall through the planet and back into space. Then he said that perhaps next thing you know, I may be trying a full Ironman! My response was, not til I can do one on Jupiter!

It's like riding a bike, once you learn you never forget...

I will never forget my first time back in the saddle again! It started off as a great day, I got to Santa Monica and found my group. They gave us a piece of paper with entirely too many streets and turns on it and I immediately thought,
"Nobody told me I had to get a clip for my helmet to hang directions so I can read them hands-free?!"
"They don't expect me to let go of the handlebars, grab this out of my pocket, and read it while I'm trying to balance?!
"Wait! We are going to be riding on Sunset Blvd.?! with cars?!"

Coach Rad, who should be named Coach Awesome, gave us newbies some tips:
"Don't brake with only the front brake - you'll flip!"
"Watch out for the crap in the road from the windstorms last night, those little palm things can take you out!"
I started to feel cocky that I wouldn't make THAT mistake (as I'd already made it when I was 9 - OUCH!).
We slowly got on the road and started our first downhill of the ride.

There are some people that don't like uphill, others that don't like downhill. I'm of the first breed. I don't mind the downhill because I figure the faster I go a) the workout will end sooner b) the uphill side may be easier if I get farther up the hill before I have to pedal c) I feel like Lance Armstrong even though he's pedaling at his 90rpm while I'm sitting there with my feet out at both sides, streamers fluttering off my handlebars, and my pedals rotating faster than I could ever keep up. Not quite, but that's how it feels.

At the bottom of the hill, and after a successful unclip and reclip while crossing a street, we regrouped. "This, Team, is the first hill! You should be in the middle gear, in the front, the easiest in the back (which one is that?!)" Another mentor mentioned that we should try to avoid the "Granny Gear" because we'll regret it. Since I don't know what it is, I figure I won't be using it. The first hill was fairly gradual going up a hill until the veeeeery last turn. We had to go wide and then drastically ascend the last bit. I was ready for a break so thankfully, we regrouped at the top of the first hill. Again, I successfully unclipped and put my foot on the curb.

Guess what folks, hill #2 is a fairly steep descent and then a really sharp ascent and you want to be pedaling on the descent because if you all of a sudden start on the ascent you can either throw or break your chain! My awesome mentor Carlos gave us some amazing words of wisdom, which I totally appreciated and promptly forgot after he said them because I was back in my "Roll forward, pedal at 3pm, toes flip over the pedal, keep moving, clip in front, don't slow down, then press to click in the rest" mode.

We rode to the end of the street and I was excited to see that on Ironteam, we don't just use chalk writing on the street to mark our path, we have authentic yellow film production signs with arrows to guide us! Yah, we're the Ironteam, that's right!! Again, I rode down that hill, hoping that if I flew down the hill, that I could coast almost all the way to the top (like I did in 7th grade riding through Hillcrest in San Diego to go to Jr. High). Well, we're playing with the big boys now. That hill was so steep that all my speed was sucked into the ground by about 1/3 of the way up. I seriously didn't know how I was going to get up that hill, my speed was being taken from me with every rotation of the pedals BUT my alternative would be to stop on the hill and somehow unclip while trying not to fall, NO THANKS! I pushed with my whole body with each leg stroke and somehow got to the top of that hill. When we regrouped again, my heart was pumping big time - I'd beaten Chainbreak Hill!

This next part is part truth, part speculation because I don't remember the whole accident. We regrouped again and after yet another successful unclipping, I was resting comfortably against the curb, we were chatting about how we are going to go a little bit farther up, very gradually this time, then leave the neighborhood as we head out to Sunset where we cannot ride any more than 2 next to each other and really we should go single file. While it's downhill, we shouldn't go to fast because we'll have a turn at the bottom of the hill. When the coaches finished talking, a CA earthquake with a seismic measurement of 8.0 happened knocking me off my feet and... OK, fine, really I somehow lost my balance slightly and started falling away from the side that had a free foot to catch me so I was done in, and hit two other people on the way down, but they didn't get knocked over. The rest of the group took off, I got up and back on the bike, Coach Rad, fixed my bent brakes and I was off! I caught up to the pack as quickly as I could on the downhill.

Turns out Sunset wasn't the scariest part. After one more uphill that either they forgot to mention, or I forgot to listen, we hit San Vicente. We had to worry about a) moving cars, in or on the side of the street, b) car doors, c) those palm things, d) other bikers, e) turn lanes (where the heck to the bikers go?), and f) a bike lane about 18" wide. Still it was the home stretch, so it felt great!

We got there, regrouped again and they said "Congratulations, you're going again!" Not just once but twice! The cool thing was that despite the hills, at least we knew we could make it, what to expect, etc. In addition to our increasing confidence, I felt tough because by then, my knees looked as you saw above.

The second time around, there were a few changes a) they encouraged us to keep going after the hills, no panting on the side of the road because it's bad for our hearts to go from pumping so fast and then stop, b) I noticed that we were riding right by Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker's old house (Even Irongirls have a reality show weakness), c) I actually stood up and pedaled, despite thinking there was no way I'd be able to do that at all, but the alternative is falling over flat, d) I got up to 22 mph on the downhill (while pedaling, not just free-falling), e) I had a moment where I couldn't unclip and was slowing down to a stop, but when the bike threatened to topple, my instinct kicked in and pedaled me forward so I had more time to release my foot - YAY! VICTORY!

This time I headed back to get my jacket because I figured I was done, gotta get back to the kids and onto our afternoon obligations when "Oh crap, I do have time to go around again." I stalled a bit to wait for Meghan. I was whining to Coach Paul that "This is only the 2nd time that I've ridden the bike, sort of" and he flat out said "Well you should have been riding more!" which is exactly what I needed to hear. Irongirls aren't whiners! Meghan came around and was a great motivator, but I warned her, I could be cursing for the duration of the ride.

The third time around, we got up the first hill, got half of the way up Chainbreak Hill, and I did successfully unclip and walk it up the rest of the hill. Then we got back on the bikes and I noticed that my bike was rattling - FLAT TIRE! I immediately hopped off, pulled out my tools (which I'd thankfully walked back to my car, in my awkward bike shoes, to retrieve that morning), I successfully got the back and more complicated wheel off the chain and bike, as I pulled out my handy-dandy tire remover piece, it wasn't working. Thankfully at that moment, shining hero Mike pulled up! He had the right tools and the kindness to help me out.

We had some difficulties with the tire still, and thankfully, Ironteam has a SAG vehicle which came to rescue us as well. The tire got changed, we were on our way back to the group! All of the patient support staff were waiting for us, smiling, when we got back, they're so awesome!

After the ride, it was time for the team to go to tacos, and I rushed home to get Carson to a birthday party. Lauren and I went to get our nails done, she got black paint with glowing polka dots, me - I just wanted the foot massage.

Later this week, I set up my bike trainer so that I could ride in my apt when the kids are asleep, and it turned out to be louder than I thought. So I wrote my neighbors the option that I could ride in the late evening, crack of dawn, or for a sizeable donation - none of the above. They were very understanding, but we'll see after they hear it!

Goals and Rituals!

Happy New Year all! THIS is the year that I will beat Wildflower! Training is officially ON!

January marks the start of our more stringent 18-week training program. Up until this point we were focusing on technique, drills, and building a foundation. Our workouts are already at approximately 1/3 the distance that we'll do on race day, we just haven't done them all at one once yet. My runs are up to about 5 miles (no intervals needed yet, running about 2 minutes/mile faster than I was in August!), my highest biking day (out of 2 that I've done so far) was 18 miles, and our swims are around 2,000m.

Now we will start increasing the workouts, doing more than one workout in a day, and learning how to be triathletes!

One of the most important parts of training is to experiment with different things such as clothes, what you eat the night before or during the race, transitioning, etc. so that nothing is new on race day. From doing my running races, I've developed a few pre-race rituals. I do the carboloading, do extra hydrating the week before, get my clothes ready and get number onto my jersey the night before. I set two alarms, eat oatmeal the morning of, and get out there early to feed off of the adrenaline of the crowd.

I even have rituals for the night before Saturday practice (which is usually a larger or more challenging workout). My ritual is to make sure I haven't eaten anything too crazy the day before, and then to stay up late the night before worrying about it. This is a habit that has carried over from my previous Team In Training seasons. I've only been to two of the IronTeam Saturday practices so far, one was a run and one was my first biking workout with a tire-changing clinic. Tomorrow is my first time riding with clips as we do our first big hill challenge, plus it's my first time riding in the big pack in real traffic. While I passed my parking lot test today, doing 45 minutes of clipping in and out, I'm still here at 1:48am watching Jamie Durie create an Outdoor Room, wishing I were in Bali and trying to keep my mind off of tomorrow's ride.

For marathon, this plan was alright because rolling out of bed, showing up to practice and not really waking up until 1/3 of the way into the run was fine, but I only had to put one foot in front of the other. For Tri, especially at this stage, nothing is simple, nor is it second nature - it's all new and requires a lot of thought! I know it's not the smartest thing to stay up late then get up and try to have my best wits about me for the challenge ahead of me, but at this point, my rational mind isn't in charge. The silly thing is, I know that in the past, at the end of every workout I was worrying about, I'd say "I can't believe how great this felt, I can't believe I was stressed about it!"

My first goal for this season is to overcome that ritual. Instead of being stressed or worried about the process, I'm going to hit it head on, and be prepared to do so with a great night's sleep and a positive attitude.

My second goal for this season is to improve my running time for my upcoming marathon in the fall, and as you can tell, I'm well on my way with that! I'm super excited at the progress so far and can't wait to see how much of an improvement occurs by the end of the season. Part of that is due to the cross-training, which in turn has strengthened my core. I'd heard all along that if you really want to get in shape to try a Tri, and they aren't kidding! It's only been about 8 weeks and I feel and see drastic differences in my body.

My third goal for the season is to form a more routine schedule. Doing this training while working and being a single mom requires a lot of tightly fit scheduling to ensure that nobody suffers and nothing slips through the cracks. It's something that I crave and hate all at the same time. Part of me is really resisting being that scheduled down to the minute, but the other part of me knows that I will be able to relax and be more in the moment if I know it's all got its time and space.

My last, but not least, goal is to accomplish something large while raising a large amount of money to find a cure for blood cancers! For me, the ritual of giving is very important. No matter what this economy is doing, people are getting diagnosed every day with blood cancers. These are indiscriminate, aggressive, brutal diseases that people must endure harsh treatments for in order to save their lives. Especially in this time of a tough economy, when budgets and public assistance is being reduced, we need to help fund a cure, and fund the efforts to improve the quality of life for current patients and their families. When I did my first Team In Training event, I had no personal tie to blood cancers. By the time I was training for my 3rd event, a family member had been diagnosed with blood cancer. Since then, I've gone to work for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and have met and lost so many honored teammates along the way, how can I not continue to do events with TNT?

Yes, I skated around the obvious goal of finishing the race in one piece and within the time limits (if they exist, not sure yet). However, as some people say, the journey is more important than the destination, and I'm embracing the journey!